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Thank you all so much for your prayers, good wishes and support. It is so beautiful to see how loved this little girl is.

What was, What is, and In between.

I’m suffocating. I’m suffocating in the trivial, But
necessary. I’m suffocating in the stagnant. I’m suffocating in the
quest for normalcy. I want to run. I want to leave. I want to sit
on a beach.. Or In a park… Or On a mountain.. In seclusion or
surrounded by strangers and write my book. I don’t want life to
continue. I want to stay in a limbo between who and where I was and
what I will become. In that limbo lives my most vivid pain and most
vivid happiness. In it lives my most hurtful and most important
memories. Leaving that place, and trying to look to the future
slowly lessens the clarity of the memories; not the pain, or the
happiness, Just the clarity. The clarity I need to put lilee’s
legacy in print. The memories are fading and it overwhelms me with
panic. Every time I leave that limbo it’s harder to get back into.
Harder to bring myself to that place knowing I’ll only have to
leave again, unfinished. Going in between the life I use to know,
and the life I now have is mentally and physically exhausting. I go
to work 4 days a week, I smile, I say I’m okay, I immerse myself in
whatever I can to pass the day by. I try hobbies, I try exercise. I
Say all the right things, I try all the right things. And it’s
exhausting. It’s so difficult to just live. And there is this
constant tugging at my heart, a nagging at my soul. Write the book.
Write the book. But I just have nothing left to write it with. I’m
feeling so helplessly over worked, without the option of lessening
the load. (Mostly because the load really isn’t that big) But I
can’t seem to put it aside. Every day I feel unaccomplished if I
don’t try and write. Every day that goes by I feel like I’m letting
myself and Lilee down. Please don’t go and say I’m not, because I
know I’m not, but it FEELs like I am. How do I go in between these
worlds. How do I “put myself first” do things for me, work, cook,
clean, grocery shop, do laundry, see friends, relax, unwind and
write the single most important and difficult thing I ever will in
my life. The only thing I actually want to do. I’m torn between
moderating all aspects of life, and hopefully finishing the book
eventually or pouring my heart Into one and know ill do it right,
because I just don’t have the energy to do both. I’m suffocating in
grief, in insecurities and uncertainties. I’m suffocating in the
world I’m in because I am forced to leave an unfinished one behind.
I’m suffocating. Confused, Chelsey.

  1. NaheedNaheed01-08-2014

    Just wanted you to know, that though we haven’t met or know each other, it is through your blog that I was able to know you and your beautiful Lilee. Your words are seared in my heart and memory and has completely changed me as a person and a mom. Whenever you are ready to write your book, know that there will be a handful of us supporting you through it!

  2. JudyJudy01-08-2014

    May you find pockets of ‘fresh air’ from the love others send you.
    Others that knew your precious Lilee <3. Others that share some of
    the wonderful memories. May you link arms and fill your lungs so full,
    that together your voices form an angel
    choir of beautiful love notes. The song of her life, with notes so sweet
    that their sounds and their memories form beautiful colours in the sky.
    Whenever you see a beautiful sunrise or a beautiful sunset, may your hearts sing
    together "Lilee was here!".
    She has left a permanent imprint, that time will never erase <3

  3. CindyCindy01-08-2014

    My heart breaks for you Chelsey, I have 2 girls 22 and 17 and I can’t possibly begin to imagine what your going through. I have followed your story since about 5 or 6 months before Lilee passed and It just breaks my heart. I think of her often, I think of you and her father often as well. I wish I could offer you some words to help you cope with your grief, I just don’t have them. Just know this, there are people who pray for you and your little angel with never be forgotten. Not by me anyway. I also want to thank-you for so publically sharing your story. If it wasn’t for Fizty on now radio I would probably never even heard about Lilee. So Thank-you and god bless!

  4. SandraSandra01-08-2014

    Huge hugs to you. I just know you will write that book when you’re ready, when it’s time. It will happen. I’ve been following your story and watched the memorial. It brings me to tears every time I hear about her or see a photo. You are both so blessed to have had each other. You’re in my prayers and I look forward to the book – whenever you write it.

  5. LaurelLaurel01-08-2014

    I imagine great writers live chaotic lives. submerged in their work forgettong to eat, bath, clean or call their loved ones. Maybe moderation isnt what you need. I know life continues which means society expects you to as well and that brings responsibility. maybe your moderation looks different than how others measure it especially when this is “the only thing you actually want to do.” I can’t speak to uncertainties but regarding insecurities, your blog has captured your audience, community, people accross the world and taught us so many things about life and living. I believe you already have many books sold.

  6. ShannenShannen01-08-2014

    Your precious daughter has helped my to stay strong, has brought me perspective, and made me smile through my own cancer related issues. Her memory and your stories will always be part of what has and is helping me to move forward one step, one day at a time. To treasure every moment with my own precious daughter. To dance in the rain. Thank you for the amazing gift you brought into this world. I am happy to have know your princess through your blog posts. You will find your way Chelsea. You are strong, brave, courageous, and a wonderful loving mother. You need time, and help from those who love you. I wish I could say or do something to help but I can’t even fathom your anguish. Perhaps I could tell you that every time the what ifs of cancer creep into my thoughts I think of both our daughters, pick myself up and move on, for Cailee-Jade and for Lilee. Perhaps that may bring you some comfort, to know that your daughters memory lives on. Your daughter has a purpose in my life. She brings me comfort. Warmth, love, and healing being sent your way. <3

  7. JodiJodi01-08-2014

    As I continue to follow your life, I realize that you are healing, but in a sense, you don’t want to heal as you have a fear you may forget those memories. As you said “The memories are fading and it overwhelms me with panic. Every time I leave that limbo it’s harder to get back into. Harder to bring myself to that place knowing I’ll only have to leave again, unfinished.” I understand Lilee was your world, and continues to be. Lilee left this world knowing you would be okay, heal, and that you would never forget her. We, as followers of her story, will never forget her. She has so touched so many lives, even those that didn’t even know you or her personally. I balled like a baby reading about her and her journey. She will never leave my mind. She opened a world to me that I never knew existed and made me more appreciative of the things I used to take for granted. If that isn’t a legacy, I don’t know what is. Please know that Lilee did leave a legacy. A story for her will never be finished, her earthly story yes, but her story as an Angel will continue to live on and so will her strength, courage, and love. I hope you find peace in what ever way it comes to you. We are still here, still following you, and still remembering Lilee. May you be blessed with comfort and peace.

  8. Jackie GuthrieJackie Guthrie01-08-2014

    I think you have been writing your book all along.

  9. sandi marbachsandi marbach01-08-2014

    Chelsey..do you have a voice recorder? a tape recorder type thing? What if you were to take that with you everywhere and just talk..talk about your memories, your experience, while they are your focus. Maybe if its recorded you can take the time to be you and do what you need to do for you but all you want to remember will be waiting, for when you are ready…hugs to you.

  10. MelanieMelanie01-08-2014

    I wonder if you might feel like a sense of accomplishment it you were to publish the blogs that you have been writing during this journey? I wonder if that might make you feel like something concrete has been done with your journey as you take the time you need to write your story, as a proper story. Don’t under estimate the story that you have shared and told in this blog. I do not know you, other than in what you blog, I have followed your journey for months, and cried along with you. I appreciate the way you shared your journey with Lilee and now your story of grief, and trying to navigate a world that refuses to stop…. I wish for you a time when it doesn’t feel like the world continues to spin beyond your reach. Carry on, Chelsey, for Lilee.

  11. JoJo01-08-2014

    This song always makes me think of Lilee and your story. http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Xenl65nzAXc Wishing you love as you find the words for your book.

  12. PattiPatti01-08-2014

    Hi Chelsea, It’s been 19 years since we lost our daughter to cancer, actually, it’s been 19 years, 5 months and 9 days. She was diagnosed when she was 3 1/2 and passed when she was 5. I remember her life with clarity. I remember the moment she was born, her first birthday, her first words, the day she walked. I remember her symptoms, her diagnosis, surgeries, chemo, all of it. I remember the last weeks, the last days, the last moments, the last seconds.I remember the laughter, the tears, the tantrums, the jokes and the way she felt snuggled into my arms. I can see her face when I close my eyes and I can hear her voice if I stop and listen for it.
    You will never forget. It may seem like it’s slipping away but it’s all in there, it’s all waiting for you to write your story when the time is right. Be gentle with yourself and just make it through today.

  13. Yvette LowesYvette Lowes01-08-2014

    Perhaps you aren’t ready to write, You will never lose the memories, and Lilee’s legacy will never be forgotten. Your unconditional love made sure of that. You made a world fall in love with a little girl many did not know. We followed her journey like she was part of our lives. We rejoiced with her milestones, and cried at her setbacks. We prayed, we hoped and when Lilee passed each of our hearts shattered and our world stood still for a heartbeat. You and Lilee allowed us to witness what pure unconditional love was and is.

    You aren’t forgetting; grief allows those memories to move to a different part of your heart to allow you to heal. Not to be forgotten, but to be held in a vault of love; to be brought out when you need them the most. Perhaps you need to write when the wound isn’t so raw, when you can breath.

    You are beating yourself up, but you will never forget. I promise you that! Each moment you shared with Lilee will never leave you. Your heart is transitioning just as Lilee’s did. You will never let Lilee down, how could you? You were her mommy, because of you she knew what it was to be loved, wanted and needed. Because of you, she left this world knowing she was loved more than life itself. When you feel you are forgetting, when that panic you feel overwhelms you to the point you forget to breath look at the pictures of you and her together. You will go back to that moment and remember each second of that time, that I promise you. Your aren’t leaving something behind, you are gathering strength and repairing a shattered heart. Your words is a testament of your love and your pain, Lilee’s legacy is what you allowed the world to see, and none of us will forget what.

  14. Jessica TurnerJessica Turner01-08-2014

    I know that if I lost my daughter I don’t think I’d be able to carry on with the banal ‘normal’ of everyday life, at least not for a long time. Seeing people get angry over trivial things and not appreciating what they have, dealing with customers at work who think whatever small problem is ailing them is the end of the world, paying the bills, going grocery shopping. None of it is important. Not as important as your daughter.

    I don’t have any answers for you of course, but if you have the choice maybe you should leave it all behind for awhile. Pack up your apartment (I know you love it but there will be others), put regular life in storage and go to that beach or that mountain or wherever you want. And write. A little bit or a lot every day. But just write. Find some work if you have to or if you have savings then use that.

    You need time, you need space, you need to be somewhere in the world that lets you breathe a little. It’s the trivial and mundane that is suffocating. You have suffered life’s most heart-wrenching, difficult loss and it’s obvious that a part of your grieving process needs to be writing your story. It doesn’t matter if you finish or if it’s an on-going process for years to come but for now give your self the space to grieve, to write and to find new pieces of the life you are re-building.

  15. ShannonShannon01-08-2014

    There is no right way to do this, there shouldn’t be reason to know how to get thru such a loss. Know that you are loved. Xoxo

  16. Micelle MailhotMicelle Mailhot01-09-2014

    Chelsea,
    What I have been through can’t even touch what you have dealt with in the last few years but I know what it’s lke loose. Although my babies were all lost before birth, I lost 3 beautiful babies before I could name them. It was hard but I now have a 6 year old son and an 8 month old daughter….and trust me……every happy ever ending story that I heard is another person that I wanted to punch in the throught! Be strong and keep up your searching. Getting professional coucelling helped me the most. Sending you positive thoughts.
    Michelle

  17. Beverly WoodenBeverly Wooden01-11-2014

    NO WORDS

    The ragged sigh tears through my chest
    as I expel the pain held within.
    The silence of my lips
    portrays the crushing of my spirit.
    There are no words to be said.

    No words to express the emptiness I feel.
    No words to rid me of the grief within.
    No words to remove the constant hurt I feel.
    No words to say the good-bye left unsaid.

    The words are locked in my heart.
    They run to and fro in my head.
    These words—
    they make no sense.
    These words—
    they say my child is dead!

    I don’t want to hear these words.
    I try to block them—but they come again.
    My heart cannot bear these words!
    They say my child is dead.

    GOD!!
    My child is dead—No! This cannot be!
    Not this prized possession
    You so lovingly gave to me.
    Not this jeweled blessing
    which was a part of me.

    My heart is bruised and broken.
    My soul wishes to shrivel-up and die.
    My spirit cries out to my Father God,
    Why, Lord, Why?

    No….
    Words will never be enough
    to explain this loss of one so sweet.
    And words will never fill
    the emptiness that consumes me.

    Only You, Jehovah-rophe, can fill
    the vacuum that is left.
    Only Your Spirit can soothe
    the anguish of my inner being.
    Only Your Spirit can utter the words
    I need to heal this wound.
    Only You can comfort me.

    Romans 8:26

  18. KimKim01-12-2014

    I too learned of your story through Fitzy on NOW radio and have followed your blog ever since. I was thinking of you today and thought I would let you know my heart hurts for all you have gone through and are still going through. Know that there are many of us that are here for you and if you need or want any of our help we are more than willing to be there for you. When you feel the time is right to write your book you will sit down and it will just flow, you will cry, you will laugh and you will remember. The pain never goes away, it will always be there but it may hurt a wee bit less. Lilee was a beautiful little girl and I am glad through Fitzy I got to know all of you in your blog, pictures and videos. I have the song on my iPod and love to listen it to all the time.
    Deal with your pain the way you want, not the way others tell you should. Take your time, feel your pain and your emptiness, but know that there are people here that want to help you when you are ready. All the best to you in the new year and I will keep checking in on you through your blog to see how you are doing and hope that someday I will be reading your story and knowing that you made it and that you have found what you needed to help you with your loss.
    Please remember you are loved by so many. <3<3

  19. Alicia MAlicia M02-02-2014

    Chelsea, I do not know you, but I have followed your story. I do not personally know what you are going through, but I can only imagine b/c I am a mom & know that mother’s love too. I want to say to you that I think your have a beautiful way with words. You have touched my heart, my soul, my very being. You have made me see the beauty in what’s important, you have made me take a step back and slow down a little. You don’t know me, but this is your gift to me. Your story is here, on this website, your story is in your heart (& in everyone’s who follows you). You will write that book, when it’s time. And in the meantime, I hope you find that space you need… that mountain, that beach, or that park. I think of you often and I wish nothing but the best for you and your future. I wish you healing and peace when you are ready, and I wish you happiness once again when it’s time. Sending you love.

  20. ShannonShannon02-09-2014

    I was thinking and praying for you again. Dont know how I missed your last blog, but I just want you to know that I have been extremely touched by your story from one mother to another. I can’t imagine what you are feeling, although your beautiful words make me cry out for your pain, I just want to encourage you to keep going at whatever pace works for you. God bless you and your family.

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Thank you all so much for your prayers, good wishes and support. It is so beautiful to see how loved this little girl is.