Denial. Devastation. Desperation. Determination.
Two weeks ago Andrew and I walked out of Children’s Hospital, Our daughter by our side, with shattered hearts and racing minds.
This can’t be happening. It can’t be tumor again. Not her. Not us. We’re the 10%. We’re the miracle.
This can’t be happening.
An unstoppable flow of tears accompanied us on the seemingly long drive home.
Silence followed the tears. A lot of it. We sat in my living room. Trying to eat dinner. Trying to play with Lilee. Trying to comprehend.
Laying in bed that night, all I could think was how I don’t want to be in a world where she doesn’t exist.
What now, We’ll do anything. There has to be a way, there has to be something.
Hours and hours spent on the computer.. Mexico? China?
Down on hands and knees.. Praying. Begging.
Take a deep breath…
Get her chart
Get second opinions
Find open clinical trials.
And, most importantly, with love, strength, and urgency, LIVE.
Death surrounds us. Especially in this cancer community we have unfortunately become a part of.
We cant avoid death, we will all eventually die. But we can stand against it and fight the inevitable. And the only way to do that is to truly live.
Our determination is not only to exhaust every single option, but to live each and every moment to its capacity.
Faith will be tested.
Hope will be sought after.. But not always present.
Sleep will be limited
And many many tears will be shed.
But we will never give up on her.
We will smile when she smiles
Laugh when she laughs,
Hug, kiss, cuddle, play and sing every single day.
“Whether it’s the best of times, or the worst of times, it’s the only time we’ve got.”
And we are going to use every second of every minute of every hour of every day whether its weeks months or years we have left to make this the best life Lilee-Jean can have.
With love and determination,