Mind and body. I felt nothing this morning, just went through the motions.
Then, As we were driving, I noticed the sun slowly creeping up in my rear view mirror. A pang of panic shivered through my body and the desperation to run consumed me. Fight the sunrise I thought to myself. Don’t let it reach you.
From February 25- March 1st we were exploring the Happiest place on earth. Vitamin D. Princesses. Mickey Mouse. Sweets. And Disney Magic filled our hearts and souls. The looming darkness of the approaching MRI was completely extinguished by the literal and figurative sun shining on us at Disneyland. Happiness was not temporary. It was constant.
And now, I sit in the waiting room for my baby to wake up from her sedation, numb.
I’m not afraid off the numbness. I’m welcoming it with open arms. I know what this MRI could show. I know because we experienced it last time. I know it could be much worse. Those are things I know. Those are things I’ve dealt with since knowing there was more tumour. Those are the things that are hidden behind every smile, and inside every tear.
I’m not saying I’m fine. Or that no matter the results that ill be able to gracefully accept them.
Just in this moment. I’m not happy. I’m not sad. I’m not afraid. I’m nothing. I’m an empty vessel. What happens when we see the MRI results will be a different story. But for now….