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Thank you all so much for your prayers, good wishes and support. It is so beautiful to see how loved this little girl is.

Gone.

Friday, September 6th, 2013 4am. It was dark when I woke,
yet I was wide awake. Not that I had gotten much sleep over the
last 10 nights, but this felt different. I turned toward Lilee and
listened, like I had done every day and night since she was heavily
sedated on Monday. But It was different. Her breathing was fast and
strained. I called out Andrew’s name, he listened too. The nurse
came in and said it’s another change, it’s another step closer. I
got as close as I could to her, one hand on her chest to feel her
heart, and the other holding hers. I closed my eyes. Then the apnea
started (A temporary suspension of breathing). We knew it was
possible she could have apneas for up to 5 minutes, but to witness
one was an experience I wouldn’t wish upon the devil himself. Her
breathing was getting shallow, her lips were turning blue, then she
stopped… Her eyes half opened, body sunk further into the bed. I
stared at her in disbelief. In devastation. My heart started to
race as the seconds slowly passed. My chest was tight, the tears
involuntarily starting to form,then *GASP* she breathed in so
deeply as if she had risen to the surface of the ocean. The shock
was indescribable. My heart was pounding, my tears were freely
flowing and my whole body was shaking. I watched her die and come
back to life and it broke me. Every 10-20 minutes she would do it
again. We learned as we watched her body that there were signs that
showed when she would start breathing again, so the shock was less
severe. But every time it happened.. She stopped breathing… we
would look at the clock and Watch her, Wondering if she will take
another breath. When we first arrived at Canuck Place we asked what
our timeline could be. The doctors gave us their best guess, but
along with it this advice: From their experience, especially with
children, people die indicative to how they lived, to who they are.
They have seen a mother lay with a child 23 hours and 58 minutes
out of the day, with a 2 minute bathroom break, and the child chose
those 2 minutes to pass. Children will pass when they are most
comfortable, when they are most peaceful. And sometimes, they will
pass at a time that protectes you, the living. So as Andrew and I
sat and watched Lilee stop breathing, then take a breath, for
hours, we wondered what she was waiting for; what she needed from
us to make her transition. Our nurses throughout the week had asked
if we wanted to hold her, but because she was still waking up,
moving her would definitely be uncomfortable to her, so unless she
was heavily sedated holding her would only be for me, not to make
her feel better. So I didn’t unless we were changing her sheets. On
Friday, however, as the pain was increasing, the meds were as well.
Our nurse had asked a couple times if I wanted to hold her and I
just couldn’t bare the thought of moving her and giving her pain
just so I could hold her. I had spent the majority of 4 days at
this point curled up next to her so I was at peace with the fact I
would never hold her again. But, at around 5pm when our nurse asked
again if I would like To hold her I just said yes, without a second
thought. Andrew sat beside us, strumming his guitar softly, and
Lilee took her last breath. She was waiting to be in my arms, for
her last moments on this earth to be just like her first… Curled
up, safe in my arms. I brought her into this world.. And after an
extremely short 2 and a half years, I helped guide her out of it.
The moments that followed are fuzzy now… The anguish… The
beauty… The incomprehension. We dressed her in a pink, sparkly
dress that was hand made especially for her, and she truly was a
princess. With crossed ankles and her hands in her lap, she laid in
her bed. Still and Perfect. Andrew and I left the room to make our
phone calls, unsure whether we would go back or not. When we got
word that the transportation was going to take longer than expected
to get there, we decided to go back down where she lay. I can
honesty say, it was the best decision I have ever made. The
incredible people at Canuck Place had made the 2 beds Andrew and I
had stayed in, the lights were dimmed, everything was tidy and
crisp. All the beautiful flowers we had received were arranged on
tables at the foot of The bed where lilee remained unmoved. just
beside that was a single bouquet of flowers, and a candle in a
vase, it’s flame flickering with life, paying tribute to the loss
of Lilee’s. The warmth and beauty of that room extinguished any
fear I had of going back there and Once more, I curled up On to the
bed next to her. I kissed her perfect little face, softly caressed
her perfect skin and whispered gently in her ear. But then it was
time. Time for her body to go into the back of the white van with
no windows. Time for her body to be just a body. As Andrew walked
away with her, I pictured him in a tux, and Lilee walking along
beside him. I pictured her turning around and waving to me, telling
me she loves me and blowing me a kiss. I pictured her walking down
the grand stairs of Canuck place, out the front door, and I
pictured the look on her face when she saw her very own horse and
carriage waiting to escort her. I Pictured princess Lilee-Jean’s
final journey away from this world, dignified, glorious, PINK and
SPARKLY. My little girl taken away to become a true Princess,
always looking down on us sending love, laughter and RAIN to dance
in. My heart is broken. And my head is foggy. As each day goes by,
the pain increases. Each day I miss her more and more. Time will
make it worse before I find the tools to help me cope, and I
struggle to allow myself to reminisce, or to let the pain take
over. I struggle because I’m afraid I won’t recover. I know I will
have to revisit my entire journey when I start writing my book, I
know I don’t have control over what feelings I will feel. But I am
so afraid of them. I was given the gift of understanding the
deepest love that exists on this planet. And it was torn from me.
I’m afraid that the strength and courage I demonstrated was also
tied to the physical presence of Lilee. I’m afraid of who I could
become. Broken and fearful, Chelsey.

  1. KutrinaKutrina09-17-2013

    My heart is just crying out for you. I have no idea the
    pain you are going thought, and I have only a glimpse through your
    words. July my grandmother passed and i spent her last day with her
    as she did the gasping breaths. The pain you feel when you just
    want it to be over for them. But they take another. I was not there
    for her last breath, but your daughter knows you are there for her.
    That you will always hold her in your heart. There is nothing I can
    say. But i will hold my kids a little tighter, and we will say a
    prayer of peace for you and your husband tonight. Peace that will
    cover you for the next days, and weeks to come as you go through
    the final arrangements.

  2. Carol CarsonCarol Carson09-17-2013

    My heart and mind struggle to move between extraordinary beauty and excruciating pain, tears blurring the print on my screen. I want to stop reading and I can’t bear to stop reading. I remind myself that this isn’t about me but about a child and her parents and the most powerful love story I can ever remember reading. You will find the courage to revisit the pain because along with it will come the beauty. I will be one of the many to buy your book when it is published. I will also be there on the 28th to celebrate the life of your sweet Lilee-Jean. Thank you once again, Chelsea, for sharing your heart with us.

  3. Tricia KinnearTricia Kinnear09-17-2013

    I can’t begin to understand how you and Andrew are feeling.
    Lilee – Jean was a beautiful child and a credit to you both, she
    will be greatly missed. There is nothing I, nor anyone, can say, or
    do, to help ease your pain. All we can do is let you know we are
    here for you, should there come a time when we can be of help. Your
    words and courage have been an inspiration and I look forward to
    reading your book. Thank you, again, for letting me have time with
    Lilee, I will cherish those moments for ever. Love you both and
    wish I could be over there, Take care, Love and kisses, Aunty
    Tricia

  4. Alicia LeeAlicia Lee09-17-2013

    I’m sooo sorry for your loss. I can’t even begin to comprehend your pain and anguish. I know you will see her again, in your dreams and one day in heaven.

  5. ColleenColleen09-17-2013

    Much strength, and pure love being sent your way.

  6. Jen BernierJen Bernier09-17-2013

    Chelsey, I know that there are no words I can say to make
    your pain subside in any way. I want you to know how truly thankful
    I am that you have given me an opportunity to embark on this
    journey alongside with you and Lilee. Through your words I have
    been able to look at my life from a different prespective. And now
    each day I choose to live it completely and fully. You have been in
    my thoughts everyday and I think of Lilee often. Your strength and
    courage is amazing and Lilee was blessed to have you as her mother.
    Thank you for teaching me to Dance in the Rain. Thinking of you
    xoxo

  7. Paula RasmussenPaula Rasmussen09-17-2013

    My heart goes out to you. Dont be afraid of whats to come. Just be sure you give yourself time to feel that you can surround yourself with people that care for you. Try not to be alone as that will only give you more time to think.

  8. Cathy McLellanCathy McLellan09-17-2013

    Very well written Chelsea . I am so sorry you and Andrew had to go through what you did . I don’t wish that on any parent . Lilee was a very special little girl who was loved by all who she touched .

  9. MelissaMelissa09-17-2013

    My god Chelsey. My heart Is broken for you. I wish there was something that I could do or say to make it better. I’m sorry that Lilee is gone physically. She will always be with you & Andrew though. Pleas stay strong, if not for you, for Lilee. You are an amazing women, with so much love, passion and strength. Your baby girl is always with you, always.

  10. R. DakinR. Dakin09-17-2013

    I wish for you that every time the pain becomes too much, that somewhere you have a hand to hold so you can know you are not alone in your pain. You’re not alone in seeing the beauty that was your Lilee and you’re not alone in grieving for the loss of that beauty in your life. I will wish this for you, for a long, long time.

  11. TaraTara09-17-2013

    I can barely see the words I type thru my tears (forgive me ahead for any spelling errors). I have thought about you no less than 50x per day since the 6th of September. You are pretty much my first thought in the morning and you are pretty much the last thought I think when falling asleep. Your words are profound, moving, devastating, thoughtful, painful, emotional, and in a strange sense, inspiring. I don’t know you and we’ll probably never meet, but you are going to always be in my thoughts and prayers. The person you will become is going to unfold for a long, long time. You and your story has changed who I will become. Thank you for that. My heart couldn’t break anymore for you. I love you and your family and your future. You are a …..I don’t know what to say in order to describe properly. But it’s all good. You are who you are and you will become who you are meant to become. I will continue to think of you forever.
    xoxoxoxooxxoox

  12. Kate MackinnonKate Mackinnon09-17-2013

    Every blog makes me feel as though I’m there with you. I
    feel the emotions you describe though I can’t say that they are the
    same. Every person’s journey and pain is different. Your writing is
    beautiful and I completely understand the being afraid to feel the
    pain and the fear of not being able to recover from it. Your life
    will never be the way it was. You will find a new normal one day
    and it will take time to be able to fully comprehend all of this.
    Not being able to process your loss is very normal. You will find
    ways to avoid the feelings for awhile…not because you want to but
    because it is too enormous to process all at once. I wish I could
    take away your pain…to help you shoulder your loss. I am always
    here for you to listen or to talk. Lilee will never be
    forgotten…she will live on within you and everyone whose lives
    she touched. You are all loved so incredibly much. Thank you again
    for sharing your journey, Lilee’s journey and your beautiful and
    priceless words. <3

  13. liz hliz h09-17-2013

    Don’t be afraid. You are truly facing the darkest hours of
    your life but you WILL get through it, you will find the strength
    to put one foot in front of the other. Remember all the thousands
    of hands holding you up. Don’t be afraid of who you are, we all
    believe in you. There is no right way to get through this so find
    your own way, one day, one step at a time xxx

  14. NatashaNatasha09-17-2013

    My heart breaks for you and Andrew. Since I have started
    following LJs story I have a new, brighter outlook on myself as a
    parent. As a mother of 4 boys, chaos and lots of times wanting to
    scream and pull my hair out have definately gotten the worst of me.
    I have learned to be more calm when dealing with them because as
    Lilee and many other young ones have shown us, life is too short. I
    dont want to live with regrets because before you know it, its too
    late. You are always in my thoughts and I hope nothing more than
    for you to find peace in knowing Lilee is with you where ever you
    go. Ill be one of the many to buy your book.

  15. Jennifer HarrisJennifer Harris09-17-2013

    Chelsey and Andrew: My heart breaks for you over the loss
    of Lilee. Your words of wisdom and love for your daughter is so
    sweet yet painful for you all at the same time. I wished for a
    miracle with all my heart as so many others did as well and I know
    it did not come in the form we were all hoping. It does amaze me
    and touches my heart soooo profoundly that your little Lilee and
    your family created a sense of community and support . You and
    Andrew and Lilee-Jean will be in my thoughts and prayers for ever
    and always. May she always dance in the rain in her beautifull
    princess dresses. Hugs

  16. Keri McBrienKeri McBrien09-17-2013

    All I can say is how deeply sorry I am. I won’t begin to
    say this was painful to read because I don’t know what real pain is
    and only you so eloquently can describe it. You are changing lives
    and I know you have changed mine. For every parent who takes the
    small insignificant mundane things with their children for granted
    You and Lilee will give us all reason to step back and cherish
    every second we have with our loved ones. To love them when it’s
    easy and love them harder when it’s not. I wish we could all take a
    small piece of your pain and make this easier for you but by taking
    that we would be taking the joy and the memories from you too. My
    heart genuinely aches for your loss. I’m so very sorry. She is an
    angel now and how proud to be the mother of an angel.

  17. ChantalChantal09-17-2013

    My heart truly breaks for you. I’ve read every entry for
    the last two years, and I can feel what you’re feeling just by the
    words you’ve beautifully written. I lost my grandpa over a year ago
    - I realize it isnt the same as losing a child, but I loved him
    like a father. And if there’s one thing I’ve learned from it, it’s
    to let yourself mourn for as long as it takes. To remember the
    happiest days of your life with them. To cry when you need to, and
    to never be alone for very long. And when she comes to visit you in
    your dreams, it’s because she wants you to know she’s safe
    & at peace, to help you cope. All my love to you Chelsey.
    Lilee will always have a special place in my heart. xo

  18. NicoleNicole09-17-2013

    My heart is breaking for you, tears are flowing and I cant
    help but think how lucky your beautiful daughter was to have a mom
    like you. Thank you for not only sharing your story which is
    impacting in so many ways but for sharing your beautiful daughter
    with all of us. You have given your daughter the most beautiful
    life a child could have. She knew she was loved and you gave her
    beautiful memories to take with her. I want you to know you are
    loved too and you will always be in my thoughts. I can picture your
    sweet pink princess dancing in the rain with a big smile on her
    face as she looks down on you. love and hugs xoxo

  19. KathyKathy09-17-2013

    I am sitting at work, sobbing while I read this post. We have never met but as a mom of a 5-year old, and a daughter who lost her mom to cancer and watched her take her last breath, I know how deep the bond is between mother and daughter. You are both amazing parents and individuals who have an amazing purpose on this earth. The strength you have shown, your willingness to open yourselves to the world and tell Lillee’s story is an amazing gift to us all and with a broken heart, I thank you for sharing your daughter with us. I pray that you feel Lilee’s spirit surrounding you until you meet her again.

  20. krissykrissy09-17-2013

    I can never say any words that will lessen your sorrow or your pain but I can say one thing- I never liked Rain my whole life I thought it ruined things ,summer pool outings , picnics, parades, and good times. But through you and Lilee I now see rain as something so much more. It is Lilee! she will be in my heart and mind every time it rains. She has taught me rain isn’t so bad after all. It was her gift to me and so many others. I now dance in the rain and for someone that despised it for over 50 years that is truly special. I will always remember her and thank her for teaching me even though she was a little child. Angels are on this Earth and I believe she is and will always be one of them.

  21. Nikki StewartNikki Stewart09-17-2013

    So beautifully written. I am in tears with goose bumps running up and down my body. You will always be in my thoughts and prayers. Lilee will NEVER BE FORGOTTEN. Much love xoxox

  22. MoreyMorey09-17-2013

    Chelsey, you will have to revisit many things when you write your book about Lilee and your family’s journey. Yes, some parts will be so sad and you will think and feel that you just can’t go on, that it is all too sad. However, then you will have to look at the good parts, that you had the gift of Lilee, even just for a short time, too short. You were given as you have said, ” the deepest love that exists on this earth”, but you have experienced this love, although way too briefly. You have experienced it and in your heart you will hold it and Lilee forever , to never have experienced Lilee would have made you a different person. You are strong, you are courageous and I am sure that your strength and courage will grow even stronger as you share Lilee’s story, your story and Andrew’s story. Sharing can help the healing. Writing although it hurts, helps with the healing. Your blogs are in my thoughts. Thank you for sharing, you are in my prayers.

  23. JacintaJacinta09-17-2013

    I can’t imagine the pain and anger you are feeling and I selfishly hope I never will. You held and comforted Lilee as she came into this world, and it was that same comfort that gave her the courage and strength to leave it; she needed you for her first breath just as she did her last. Through your fear of not being able to recover, may you find comfort in the knowledge that your beautiful Lilee-Jean made more of an impact and touched more lives in her short time on earth than most of us ever will. Thank you for sharing your journey with the world. Wishing you strength, courage and love.

  24. nicole easynicole easy09-17-2013

    We are so sorry for your loss.. thank you for sharing your journey with all of us. As we have now a new perspective of life. You would write an amazing book as you have a way with words. Im sure your book would help many mother s and father s cope if they were going through the same journey you did. Bless you and ur families. .xo

  25. JOSIEJOSIE09-17-2013

    i sit here in tears, thinking of your great strength, that you don’t feel at this time. Writing your book will be good for you. It will sort out all your feelings and at the same time help others cope with similar losses. Please make sure you share when you book is finished, even if it takes you sometime, as I will read it. Wishing you strength, courage and peace

  26. LoriLori09-17-2013

    My heart breaks so much more when I read your words. My heart has felt the same heartache 1 1/2 years ago. Thru such sadness your words spoke of so much love and beauty. Your Lilee-Jean is truly a princess. I prayed to my son to be there to meet her and I know there are so many angles that were there for her a the time of her passing. No words can ever be enough but you are not alone and never be afraid to express how you feel. I send you much love, prayers and hugs. Dance in the Rain <3

  27. cyndicyndi09-18-2013

    On this day 14 years ago I took this same journey with a little girl who had just turned 3. She was amazing and beautiful and strong. And I still miss her. I hope she and LJ are romping through heaven together cancer and pain free.

  28. JeanJean09-18-2013

    No parent should ever have to face this journey, I have no words that could give you and Andrew comfort nor can I in any way imagine your pain, it breaks my heart.
    Someone told me once that the music of the soul lives on forever, I truly hope you and Andrew are able hear Lilee-Jeans music when you need it most.

  29. AlannaAlanna09-18-2013

    What can one say…….I am really so heavy hearted right now and I wish your precious precious love wasn’t take so soon. Please know that others truly do care and pray for some sort of peace…..Cancer….hmmmm, well close to our family too. I promise to keep you close in my prayers. Stay strong, be gentle to each other……

  30. LesleyLesley09-18-2013

    What you have written above is every parent’s worst nightmare, but your reality. I have no words to convey how deeply I hurt for you and the loss of your princess. Her beautiful face and name will always be in my memory, even though I have never met you or her. I hope you can be strong knowing that you have unspoken support all around you, embracing you and waiting to hear how you are and what you are feeling. I spent several weeks in Children’s with my son and daughter, both patients at the same time, my daughter ill but not in harm of losing her life, and my son struggling to stat alive with a rare complication from e-coli he contracted on his preschool farm trip. It is surreal, it isn’t fair, it is earth shattering and no one but you truly understands what you are going through. My son, 4 at the time, ironically was the only one who could offer me any advice and he said in a weak whisper “mom, someday today will be a long time ago”. I felt those words right in my heart. He managed to make me feel like there was hope that I wouldn’t feel the way I did in those weeks, that no matter what happened, this would all be a long time ago. I hope those words bring you comfort, I repeat them to myself daily when I am faced with challenges and all the unhappy surprises that come with life. Your daughter gave you comfort, I hope you can keep it in your heart and use it when you need it most. many hugs…xoxox

  31. AmandaAmanda09-18-2013

    I am terribly sorry for your loss. You and your family will be in my prayers. Thank you so much for or sharing your story with us. LJ’s life and death has touched my heart.

  32. AnnaAnna09-18-2013

    Praying for you both, for comfort to come and for strength to go on. For fear to release its grip. You will rise above this sea of pain, in time. Let the prayers of many carry you through now.

  33. RachelRachel09-18-2013

    When I heard she passed, my heart dropped, my Mind was
    struggling. My deepest condolences are with you! Just reading your
    letter, I’m sobbing! I’m So sorry for your loss, I couldn’t imagine
    going through what you and your family has, and loosing a young
    daughter. I guess words can’t really explain it, just know that
    EVERYBODY is praying for you and your family, that you make this as
    easy as possible. It won’t be easy, it’s hard but we are praying
    it’s not too hard on you. So you are not afraid of the person you
    say you may become. Over a certain amount of time, You will become
    stronger then ever as the time passes. You will know little lilee
    is watching down on you and your family making sure her mommy is
    safe and sound. She knows how you feel, you have to be strong for
    her. You will do it. Again, my deepest condolences and my prayers
    every day are with you <3

  34. brandybrandy09-18-2013

    Dear Chelsey,
    You have gone through something no mother should ever have to. You have had to be strong and courageous in the most difficult of circumstances. You have every right to feel afraid, the way you do, although I bet you’ll prove yourself wrong in the end. You were strong for Lilee and you will be strong for yourself…be gentle with yourself, love yourself, the same way you did your precious daughter. You deserve it. As I read and re-read your posts, I cry. I cry for you and for Lilee and the injustice of it all. As others have said, you and Lilee are the my first and last thoughts of the day. When I have a few moments alone, I reflect on what little I know of your journey. Your words have such impact. Even as my heart breaks for you, I wonder at the eloquence of your words, and the strength it would take to write such an account of your experience. Thank you, from the bottom of my heart, for sharing. I hope you will allow others to share with you, to help you, as you have shared with and helped so many.

  35. ShaughnaShaughna09-18-2013

    I’m so sorry for the incredible pain that you have endured and will continue to endure. I think of you, Lilee and your family every day, and wonder how you all are doing. Of course, I know that you are going through such terrible pain, reliving all the things that have taken place over the past while. You are such a beautiful writer, expressing your feelings so well. I too, as others have said, will read your book when it is completed. Love and prayers………………so so sad for you

  36. Chris SandChris Sand09-18-2013

    Beautifully written Chelsey and heart wrenching to read.
    It’s not easy to make a grown man cry, but Lilee and your writing
    has done that more than a few times in the last year or so. No one
    but you will know exactly what you have been through or what you
    are about to go through in the years to come with Lilee gone from
    this earth. I keep thinking of the old adage that it is better to
    have loved and lost than to have never loved at all…..

    • mary traffordmary trafford09-18-2013

      Sorryfor your loss . I am a nursing asst and have been heartbroken and so sad when a child dies . Just know how much love is sent to you both and how special you are to so many people. She affected so many lives.

  37. ClaudiaClaudia09-18-2013

    Dear Chelsey
    Thinking of you everyday. Since I heard about your story almost 2 years ago. As a mom of a soon to be 3 years old girl (november 24, 2010) it breaks my heart reading your blog. You are so talented expressing your feelings in written words. I was always thinking you should write a book! Going through all this again will be very hard, but it will help and kind of heal you somehow. Take your time and do it when you’re ready.
    You touched my heart and changed my life and not only mine, the hearts and lives of thousands!
    You are the mom of an angel.
    Lots of love and thank you for sharing your precious Lilee-Jean with us.
    Claudia from Switzerland
    Sorry, my english isn’t that good

  38. ShannonShannon09-18-2013

    With grace, courage and undying love, this world is a better place because Lilee was here and will always be here. Love never dies. Your journey has already helped many, many people and will continue to do so through your words. Lilee-Jean will never be truly gone. She will always be here. It is hard to believe any of us can get through this type of pain. But you will, for Lilee.

  39. Deborah BakerDeborah Baker09-18-2013

    O my heart!!! Thank you for sharing this very personal, private event in your lives. It was eloquently and lovingly written. I thank you. Your post has touched the core of my soul this day. I think it is because you loved your daughter so very well. I thank you for sharing that love and kindness with me your reader. Life is indeed about living and loving and ultimately dying. Thank you for doing it all so very well. God bless you.

  40. TerriKHTerriKH09-18-2013

    I’m so sorry

  41. LorraineLorraine09-19-2013

    I am so deeply sorry for your loss. I do know one thing for sure….no one can take the memories of your sweet little Angel from you.

  42. SashaSasha09-20-2013

    That was heartbreaking to read but also beautiful. I’m so sorry.

  43. VanfitVanfit09-20-2013

    With every fiber of my being I wish I could take away the pain. You will get through this, for you and for lilee:) She would want you to continue dancing in the rain: ) Thank you so very much for sharing your beautiful daughter with us :) You are in our thoughts and prayers <3 xxx

  44. DarcieDarcie09-22-2013

    I am so sorry for your loss, I lost my Dad almost 6 years ago, I can remember him breathing like that, it scared so much I cant even begin to tell you. Your sweet baby girl will be watching down on you forever, she will always remain in your heart and knowing she is no longer suffering is a blessing. She will be missed by all those who had the priviledge of her being in their lives and God bless you at this most awful time. Be strong and I know everyone says that, but grieve when you can and don’t rush the process, it will take time, and just do your best, even if its just to get dressed in the morning, it will get better, I have a difficult time to this day, but I know my dad is no longer suffering, and if he can, he will take great care of your Angel, he loved little kids, its just hurtful knowing he isn’t here for me if I ever have kids, but your sweet baby is watching down and loving you from above,

  45. WendyWendy09-23-2013

    It will get worse. The pain. It will come in waves. The little things, the most unexpected little things will start the slide down to despair. Keep writing. You will survive. We do. Somehow. Survive. My pain your pain your husbands pain. All different. But survivable. Painfully survivable. Just keep writing. It is the only way I survived the shock. That moment when they don’t take that expected breath. My heart broke. The snap as they left, I felt it in my whole body. It was like a cord that stretched and snapped. I did not lose a child. I will not even try to imagine what you must feel. I hope I never feel that pain. I offer you Peace Chelsea and Andrew. Peace and Hope. I do not even know you two and I will most likely never meet you, but I send my Love.

  46. KrisKris09-25-2013

    Dear Chelsey,
    When you spoke about the breathing, I could almost hear it again. I too lost my daughter very early at BC Childrens Hospital. After a long drawn out process it was decided a do not resuscitate order was in the best interests of our babe. First our lovely passed in and out of coma, the breathing became very strange. She would stop and start again. They asked us if we would like to unhook her from all the IVs and take her out for a walk to the rainbow arch, she loved her walks, I carried her out and about the moment we got to the arch I heard the smallest cooying noise…it was her last breath of air. I held her as she passed as well. So glad I did. It will hurt for a long time, but it will hurt less one day. You have the community behind you if you are in need of anything. Thoughts are with you and the family during this time.

  47. TammyTammy09-27-2013

    It has taken me 4 times to finish reading your last entry. Between my tears I pray for you and your family and friends. I can not even imagine your pain and sorrow. Prayers are with you forever.

  48. Cheryl Lewis-ReitzCheryl Lewis-Reitz09-27-2013

    I will look forward to your book. I started one myself, but in 27 years since Velvet’s passing I have never had the courage to open up my writings and try again. I just found it too painful. You were very wise to write down your thoughts through your journey. The last moments you had with LJ were very similar to my husband and I. Even though Velvet was in a coma she still went through all the things you described. My husband and I were both in disbelief that she was really gone as I remember saying to my husband, “she will come back, she always comes back”. This time was different as there was no coming back and as daylight broke I could see a peacefulness come over her face. As it was a home death the R.C.M.P. had to attend as well as our doctor. The next day there in our mail box was a sympathy card from that same R.C.M.P. and his family. We were allowed to have her with us until the afternoon and some of her little friends came and put flowers on her bed and sat with her. When the funeral home came, we realized that she had never been a day without us and now they were taking her away forever. I so feel your pain and you are right that it hurts more every day. When you are going through the illness, it occupies your every moment so you have no time to think about “after”. It may be hard to believe right now that you will laugh again and enjoy life once again but there will not be a day go by that you don’t think of her either with a smile or a tear in your eye.

  49. AngelAngel09-27-2013

    My heart breaks for you hun, tears are rolling down my face as I read this but what a beautiful way to let your baby leave this world as an Angel <3 I send strength love and health to you and your family and always cherish the memories you do have with your sweet little princess..She was only on this earth for a short time but it was a time that will never be forgotten and now she may rest in peace until you meet again…<3

  50. H. SranH. Sran09-27-2013

    I cried my heart out reading this. I am so sorry for the incredible loss you had to suffer. . I don’t think the words are doing any justice to what I am feeling for you and your family. Lilee-Jean and your family will be in my thoughts and prayers. You are a really beautiful writer and I can not even begin to comprehend the courage it must have taken for you to revisit the day you lost her to write it all down. Thank you for sharing this with us.Your story is teaching me to love and cherish my little boy even more. so thank you. Your princess is an angel now and she will guide you through this fearful time. I will be praying for you. Love….

  51. KristyKristy09-28-2013

    I am so very sorry for your loss. You are a truly amazing person and your daughter was so lucky to have you as a mother!!

  52. AndreaAndrea09-28-2013

    I am so sorry for your loss.. I can not begin to imagine what you are going through.. The day you lost lily we lost a beloved pet earlier in the day. It was heart wrenching and my daughter was there with her childhood pet during her last breath. We were out for a car ride later on in the day and the most beautiful rainbow was in the sky over Sumas and it was around 5pm. When I read your post it made me think about your beautiful daughter and our beloved pet and it was so fitting for the most saddest of days.. I took it as comfort that neither of them were in pain and they were letting you know it is going to be ok.. Please accept our sincere condolences….

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Thank you all so much for your prayers, good wishes and support. It is so beautiful to see how loved this little girl is.