It’s pain. There is no other way to describe it.
As I sit in a room alone for the first time since we were admitted to hospice, I find I can’t even cry. But I can feel my heart Beating so hard I see my chest move. And inside. I swear I can feel each little fiber of my heart slowly tearing away from one another. It is the feeling of a heart breaking. It’s hard to breathe. Each breath in takes a little more effort than the last. I’m constantly dizzy and a bit nauseous. I’m in a daze and yet every moment is so clear. I feel… And yet.. I don’t. I use to say “I don’t understand. I want to understand” either to god.. Or myself… But as I sit here I realize, the deep pain… The real pain, is because I DO understand. I understand too well. It’s one step closer to no more kisses. No more hugs. No more hellos. No more I love you’s. no more laughter. No more jokes. No more stories. No more singing. No more tears. No more pain. No more dancing